Apologising, Apology, Belief, Confidence, Self belief, Self confidence, Sorry

Apologies To My 15 Year Old Self

At the moment, I’m currently in the midst of redecorating my bedroom. It hasn’t been touched in 14 YEARS (I know, I know) so this is long overdue.

Part of redecorating as I’m sure you’ll be aware, is sorting through the mountains of rubbish that you seem to have accumulated over the years. There I was at the weekend, minding my own business when I stumbled across a book we were all given in 1999 when I left secondary school. A sort of yearbook, if you will.

We’d had a leaving party in the school hall to celebrate finishing school and were all handed one of these books there. I flicked through it, giggling at the photos in there and the old fashions we sported, trying to remember everybody’s names and then I got to this page:

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I had a vague recollection of these ‘awards’ being discussed at the leaving party. The head of year was up on stage and he talked through them. From what I recall, no actual trophies or certificates were given out, it was more of a mickey-taking, light-hearted idea to take up a page of the book. Various silly accolades were dished out, such as:

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I scanned my way down the page and saw that my name was there. I’d actually forgotten all about it. My award? Well, see for yourself:

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That’s right; the “I’m No Good At Anything” award. I know this sounds dramatic but I read that line and felt as if I’d been hit by a bus. I immediately welled up and before I knew it, was crying my eyes out. I know it sounds stupid, but let me explain.

All throughout my education and just in life in general, I’ve always suffered with extremely low self-confidence and a lack of belief in myself and my own abilities. My teachers obviously picked up on this (it would’ve been hard not to) and every parent’s evening or school report echoed the words “she really needs to believe in herself more” or “she tends to suffer from a lack of confidence”. I’d just like to point out that in no way were my teachers bashing me for this, quite the opposite. They were trying to snap me out of it because they believed in me, even if I didn’t. My parents have always wanted the same for me too.

The reason I got so upset at seeing this 20 years on, was because nothing has changed. Deep down, I’m STILL that 15 year old girl who has the bare minimum in her confidence reserves and who second guesses herself at every turn. And I’m a mixture of sad and angry about this.

I’m angry at myself, for letting two decades go by and still be clueless as to just HOW I can change for the better. I’m angry that in all this time, I’ve never been able to find a way to shake off my inner naysayers; the little voices inside my head which say “you’re not good enough” or “is there even any point when it’ll go to someone else?”

And I’m sad for 15 year old me, because I should have done better for her. I should have done my utmost to ensure that she didn’t go into adulthood with these same feelings of crippling self-doubt. Who knows how differently her life may have turned out if she’d just believed in herself?

It isn’t as though I haven’t tried. Believe me when I say that I’ve attempted the power of positive thinking more times than I care to remember. But each time, I always revert back to my old ways.

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Usually because no matter how positively I’ve approached something, no matter how hard I’ve worked at it, it never seems to go in the right direction. Or it does move in the right way; but only for so long before I come up against a dead end. It’s very rare that I ever get the desired outcome.

I know what you’re going to say – Don’t give up. Keep pushing. Keep trying. Keep striving. And I will. My confidence and self-belief in adulthood tends to come in peaks and troughs. The peaks are obviously when I’m really pushing for something, before I get knocked back down again.

The more you get knocked down though, the harder it gets to dust yourself off and have another go. All I can do is just continue to keep fighting, as best as I have the strength to do. Maybe one day it will start to pay off?

And to 15 year old me – I’m truly sorry.

 

 

54 thoughts on “Apologies To My 15 Year Old Self”

  1. I feel like that award might have been tongue in cheek, but perhaps was poorly judged if you were already sensitive and aware of your problems with self confidence! Something like that almost certainly wasn’t going to help! I’m sorry your nice memories ended abruptly with that discovery.

    Confidence can’t be forced, and perhaps they’d have been better boosting you up instead!

    I think you have probably changed more than you realise, and will keep changing and growing into the best you that you can be. 💙

    Liked by 2 people

  2. We had awards at our school leavers assembly but they were lighthearted ones like ‘celebrity lookalike’ and ‘best singer’ etc. I know your teachers probably didn’t mean this in a harsh way but surely they could have seen that this would have made you upset when you already suffered with your confidence? I hope you manage to keep growing in confidence in the future lovely, don’t let anybody put you down!

    Jess // foundationsandfairytales.wordpress.com
    xx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I think when we are younger we all think that when we grow up we will be confident and have it all together. Then we realise that’s not the case. Keep doing what you’re doing =) Also quite shocked that your teachers thought that was a good idea! Did they see how upset you were at the time? Hayley x
    educatinghayley.com

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can relate to your post on so many levels. It seems we are very alike in how we see ourselves, and it frustrates me that I’ve not changed much since I was a teenager too.
    You’re right when you say it’s harder each time to dust yourself off. When you work hard and things don’t go the way you wanted, it’s disheartening. The fact you have the strength to keep trying and you do not give up is amazing.
    I’m trying to be more like that, but I’m so critical of myself and my abilities. Everything I try I am so afraid of failure so I quit, but I’m really trying to push those thoughts away.
    You keep being you and stay strong. I’m sure that you’ll achieve everything you’re working for and you’ll be so happy you didn’t give up! 🙂
    Thank you for sharing this with us.
    Fran x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading and for this lovely comment. Yes I will keep trying and I think you should too – I’ll be rooting for you ❤

      Like

    1. Thanks so much 😊 Yeah, looking back, I don’t think that that award was the wisest thing for my teachers to do. I do wonder what they’d make of it now if I was to show any of them! Xx

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  5. This is such a touching, well written and thoughtful post. I had similar feelings when I was growing up so I totally understand how hard it can be. I can also relate to the ups and downs of having self-belief, although I think this is a normal thing as it is hard to be confident 100% all the time. Thank you for sharing your feelings, it sounds like you are strong and determined – keep going, I hope you achieve everything you want too. Wishing you all the happiness and success ❤ xx

    Bexa | http://www.hellobexa.com

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Even though the award was most likely a tongue-in-cheek comment, it was not the best thing to say to someone they knew already had low confidence. I am similar in the sense I always doubt myself and I am constantly trying to improve on that, at Secondary school I was so shy and never applied myself because I just wanted to be left alone.

    Sending you positive vibes for a great 2019!

    Jess xxx || http://littlepinkduckblog.blogspot.co.uk

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sending them right back to you too! Hopefully we can both move forward this year and believe in ourselves more. Thank you for reading ❤

      Like

  7. Girl the fact that you wrote this means you are doing better. I wont say believe in yourself because plenty have already told you that.

    But I will remind you that you are doing great, that there are so many lives you are changing everything someone reads a post on your blog.. you have started this blog on your own and developed it.. be proud.. we all are proud of you!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I resonate with this so deeply, I thought in my teens that it would wear off as I grew but I’m 22 now (still young, I know) and life has just constantly thrown daggers at me while I watch everyone around me move forward and succeed. It really does make you feel like you don’t deserve things when nothing you work so unbelievably hard for turns out right! I wish you all the luck with your present and future journey!
    Alice Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah you’ve summed it all up there! I’m sorry that you also feel this way. Hopefully we can both move forward in a positive way. Thank you for reading ❤

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  9. That is a great post! I do hope they don’t give out that award anymore. I didn’t have much self-esteem myself at 15 and I do believe that most teenagers don’t. Truthfully, I didn’t find mine until I was in my 30’s so keep working it! Just the fact that you are writing about it, means you are there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah I hope nobody else received that “honour” too. Thank you for reading. I’m 35 now so hopefully it’ll all start to kick into place very soon! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Self-confidence is the harshest thing ever, as it doesn’t matter what other people tell you, it’s those little voices inside that makes the difference. This is a really heart-felt post, you’re really brave posting it! It certainly made me think about what I’d see if I looked back!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This is a really moving post. Reminiscing on school years can be fun, but it can also be pretty rough. Recognising the feelings and acting on them as best you can are certainly steps in the right direction. Thanks for sharing and I hope 2019 brings you more positivity 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I feel the exact same way 11 years after leaving school, and can only hope that I don’t spend another 9 feeling like it. I hope that both of us manage to turn around our beliefs about ourselves. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  13. This is such a powerful post. I too have struggled with confidence my whole life (well, lack there of) and I really felt your struggle while reading this. I think your apology to yourself was heartfelt, and I feel like you can move onwards and upwards from here 💗 you and your blog are creating amazing things! Take a look at your accomplishments this far and smile! You’re doing a great job 💗
    xo
    Cyn
    http://www.cynspo.com

    Liked by 1 person

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