Yep, you read that title right. I have no ambition.
Well, that’s clearly a lie. I have ambitions to win the lottery and become a lady of leisure. Travelling the world, having delicious brunches, looking amazing as I can afford to have somebody blow dry my hair for me every day. I have ambitions to be able to eat what I like and never put on any weight. I have ambitions to finally secure those ever elusive 8 hours of sleep a night. I have ambitions of becoming Justin Timberlake’s second wife. I have ambitions to ensure my folks know just how much I bloody love the bones of them. I could go on.
But in terms of my job/career? None. Absolutely zilch. Nada.
And I HATE it.
I’m in my mid-30s and ever since I began working at 18 years old after college, I’ve never found anything that I particularly enjoy. I’ve never found anything that genuinely piques my interest. I’ve certainly never found anything that pays enough, but that’s another story.
I never knew what the hell I wanted to be when I ‘grew up’. The Careers Advisor at school could do bugger all with me. I was very much an “I don’t know” kind of kid. Fast-forward 20 years and nothing has changed. I have friends who always knew what they wanted to do and they went out there and did it. They’re teachers, social workers, graphic designers, vets. And my God, I’m so envious of them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not naïve enough to think that just because they’re doing what they always wanted that it’s going to be plain sailing for them. I’m damn sure that they still experience bad days and have times when they can’t be bothered to face the working day. But surely, they have it a lot more sussed than little old me?
I’ve always struggled with pinpointing something that gave me some fire in my belly. I consider myself quite a passionate person, who can work hard. I just wish I could find something to direct that towards workwise. Writing is something that has always kind of held my interest to a degree, which is why I finally started this blog. However, am I good enough to make any form of a career out of this? Well, time can only tell on that front.
I began a new job two weeks ago, which has messed with my head somewhat. When I say a new job, I’m primarily doing the same job role for the same company, for the same money, just in a different department. So although it’s “new”, it’s also not really new, if that makes any sense at all?!
I spent the first week wondering if I’d made a mistake and if I should’ve just stayed where I was. I found it boring. But then, I found my old department boring too, so what would I have gained from staying put? I’ve felt really lost and upset to be quite honest. I tried to tell myself that the next week would be better. I’ve just reached the end of my second week and yeah, I’m feeling a tad better about things. More so in terms of actually knowing what I’m doing in the job role. But am I finding it any less boring? That’d be a no.
I never did go to university. The main reason was that I honestly couldn’t think of a single subject area that would interest me enough to want to study it for another three or more years. I wish so so much that there was something out there for me.
A lot of people tell me not to be so hung up on this. That there’s plenty of people out there who’ve never known what they want to be or do either, and I get that. But at the same time, it’s hard not to get hung up on it. You spend the best years of your bloody life at work! You spend more time with your colleagues than with your own family, friends and significant others. And when you’re not happy and not feeling it, how can you even imagine enduring another 30-odd more years of it?!
I mentioned money earlier on and whilst it’s important, I fully recognise that it isn’t everything. I think I’d actually accept a pay cut if it meant finding something that made me happy as ultimately, isn’t that what it’s all about? I’m going to have to keep searching as this present feeling of total un-fulfilment is really not the one. Maybe it’ll just come to me one day, like an epiphany? One can only hope. I’m going to wrap this up with some wise words from the main man: